I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
