you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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