you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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