i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
