just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
