I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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