I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
