just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
