it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
