That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
