I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
