The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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