Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
