I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
