she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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