Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
