Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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