The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
