What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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