I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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