I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
it's like heaven, but drunker
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
