put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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