I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
