I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Two words: blizzard sex
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
