My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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