What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
