He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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