If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
