Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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