I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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