hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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