I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
