You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Two words: nipple clamps
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
