my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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