ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
