I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
