I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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