Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
