it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
