my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
