i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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