I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
