new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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