I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
