I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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