My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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