someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
