apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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