i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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