I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize