If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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