Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
