i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
