we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
