So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
