Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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