I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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